Mind Set: Don’t Feel Guilty
The experience of guilt is an enormous burden. People really feel guilty for feeling guilty. Often, those in the religious community are prone to complain about guilt. They perceive God as the ‘cop in the sky’ who is looking to apply retribution. Adults who were the products of poor parenting are more susceptible to real guilt and viewing God is a tyrannical figure.
Unfortunately, people may doubt their salvation, feel like God has abandoned them and immerse themselves in obsessing over minor infractions.
It is my opinion that we need to kick out any God that would make us feel small. A loving God cherishes His children, forgives them and elevates them in His eyes. We are His kings and queens, and we need to stand tall in His presence.
Real guilt can be defined as missing the mark. We fall small of our convictions and need to make amends. We do this by accepting the forgiveness that is already our inheritance, forgiving ourselves for being less than perfect and reconciling with those we have hurt and disappointed.
An fascinating example of real guilt is when we fail to live up to our capacity. We may have been sitting on a goal or dream and place it off because we are too bone idle or worried to act on it. Addressing our right guilt makes us feel complete. We restore our integrity and bring healing to our significant relationships.
Those who have experienced negative parenting may find the concept of forgiveness perplexing. If one’s parents were punitive, critical and unloving, it makes it more hard for people to grasp the concept of a loving, forgiving God. Intellectually, they may know forgiveness, but emotionally they may remain immobilised with self-blame. God does not want His children to victim-posture. We can’t be ambassadors of the excellent news if we are stuck in a sinkhole. Accepting forgiveness is our right and responsibility. Some may need help in processing this truth – God is patient.
It is vital to differentiate real guilt from fake guilt. Much of the guilt we experience is fake. It has nothing to do with falling small of our convictions. I define fake guilt as allowing other people to have power over us. Due to inadequate parenting, many of us learn to give our power away.
As children, we become overly-compliant, passive-aggressive and we learn that it is in our best interest to thwart our rage. If we were raised in dysfunctional families, there was generally no dialogue or exploration of feelings at home. It is vital to know that what happened was never our fault.
When people tell me that they feel guilty, the problem usually involves fake guilt over core childhood issues such as feelings of abandonment, acting overly-responsible, childhood abuse, and lack of confidence. Fake guilt is really a form of disguised resentment. If others over-control our lives, we resent the intrusion, but find fake guilt simpler to accept than rage.
Roberta came to me and complained about her daughter. Whenever she would visit her, she would feel demeaned and manipulated. I suggested that Roberta set limits and cut back on her lengthy out-of-town visitations with her daughter. But, her daughter pleaded with Roberta to stay longer, and the fake guilt emerged.
Roberta chose to stay for the typical two-week visit and she felt miserable. In typical fashion, her daughter merely used her as a babysitter for her kids. Roberta was really mad, but it was masked as fake guilt. As a child, she was never allowed to express her rage appropriately. Roberta had no foundation for setting boundaries and sticking up for herself. She acquiesced to the needs of others and felt small.
Unresolved issues can affect our concept of God. If we fail to find balance in our life by resolving core childhood issues, they may rear their hideous head and affect our spiritual well-being. I believe that God wants us to be integrated. That means we don’t pretend by ignoring the dusty corners of our inner life. As author M Scott Peck once said, “I’m not okay, you’re not okay, but it’s okay!” We must learn to live authentically as imperfect human beings.
Real or fake guilt can immobilise us. As a child of God, there is no need to be saddled with guilt. Guilt keeps us mired in a cycle of self-defeating thinking and behaviour. To my knowledge, no one has ever changed by motivating themselves through guilt.
With right guilt, learning to forgive ourselves, making amends and accepting God’s grace brings healing that helps us go forward. Fake guilt, which comprises the majority of guilt, must prompt us to learn to become assertive, set appropriate boundaries, and find empowerment through the kind of righteous rage that is self-supportive.
Do you feel guilty about feeling guilty? The excellent news is that God wants to elevate you out of your guilt-induced self-defeating cycle of self-blame and help you to become whole.
Alvaro Castillo has been helping with women with their pregnancy for 10 years along with how to deal with the first year of their baby?s life. For more information check out his website at www.myhomeparent.com
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